


A selfish angel

by chaoticlivi



Category: Good Omens (TV)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxious Aziraphale (Good Omens), Holding Hands, Implied/Referenced Abuse, M/M, Other, Religious Guilt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-01
Updated: 2020-02-01
Packaged: 2021-02-27 22:47:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 964
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22513483
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chaoticlivi/pseuds/chaoticlivi
Summary: A proper angel would let Crowley march up to unguarded holy water, which the Church gives away for free anyway, and take his fill.
Relationships: Aziraphale/Crowley (Good Omens)
Comments: 4
Kudos: 71
Collections: Aziraphale Treated Gently For Your Soul





	A selfish angel

It’s not the love _itself_ he’s ashamed of.

The problem is the crushing selfishness of his love, the soul-churning _entitlement_ of the wanting.

He’s an angel. He was created to be an ambassador of Goodness. It’s the most privileged position in the universe.

Being on the side of pure Good means hoping for the best for everything, for all of Creation. So it’s no surprise that he should come to enjoy his existence here on Earth, to form an attachment to that which he’s supposed to oversee. It’s no surprise that he should become endeared to humans, with all their peculiar, God-given quirks. It’s no surprise that as he spends time here, he should discover _favorites_ , certain Earthly delights that he enjoys more than others. His mere feelings make no difference, after all, so long as he’s fulfilling his heavenly duties.

Given his angelic nature, it’s no surprise that Aziraphale should even care about his enemy, then, to see the little spark of goodness in Crowley, to want to protect Crowley from his own mistakes, to want to see Crowley get better.

The problem is…Aziraphale loves Crowley as Crowley _already is_.

He loves that Crowley will talk and talk with him for hours. He loves their debates, even when Crowley acts all smug, even when Crowley makes him entertain questions he’s not supposed to ask. He loves talking to someone as impossibly smart and witty as Crowley. He loves talking to someone who enjoys Earth, who will sometimes agree with his taste and sometimes argue with it. He loves the wiling and the thwarting and the knowledge that no matter who “wins” they’re both going home safe afterward.

He loves that he gets to see a softness in Crowley that no other being in the universe ever sees. He loves that Crowley will do particular little favors to butter him up. He loves that Crowley is so attentive he’ll keep track of Aziraphale’s priorities while Aziraphale is too busy with other priorities (a briefcase full of books and a falling bomb come to mind).

He loves that Crowley forgives him. He loves that Crowley trusts him. He loves that Crowley likes spending time together just for the sake of it.

The problem is…Crowley makes Aziraphale feel _special_. And that is not something angels are meant to encourage or want or, Heaven forbid, seek out. They’re not meant to stand out; they’re meant to stand united, a uniform force of Goodness.

Exchanging the occasional miracle for the occasional temptation is hardly an impediment to Ineffability, in the grand scheme of things, since Heaven and Hell are both bound to be doing their work and Aziraphale and Crowley don’t have the clout to interfere with that anyway. But an angel seeking validation from the Enemy? Deciding his own will matters more than Heaven’s? In the old days, they Fell for less.

How, how can he have the most privileged position in the universe and decide it’s not enough?

He had a disturbing thought recently. He thought about how he doesn’t see why Crowley should have to beg forgiveness from Heaven, or “get better” - which is just an awful thing to wonder, because he _is_ supposed to want what’s best for his friend, isn’t he? And what’s best for the world? Shouldn’t he want the world’s most talented tempter to be rehabilitated?

Aziraphale’s love has become something selfish and twisted. He wants Crowley - not for Heaven, or for the world. For _himself_.

A proper angel would let Crowley take his own risks; a proper angel would trust the Great Plan. A proper angel would let Crowley march up to unguarded holy water, which the Church gives away for free anyway, and take his fill. A proper angel might feel sad to see another being destroyed, if it came to that, but a proper angel would also take comfort in seeing the legions of the damned weakened.

A proper angel would never have made friends with a demon. So in the end, if Aziraphale could be a proper angel, it’s quite possible that Crowley wouldn’t be risking his life in the first place.

No matter which way he turns now, he’s gone and ruined it. He’s been a selfish angel and a selfish friend. All that’s left is to stave off this one momentary threat with the thermos of holy water he’s about to hand over.

=

Things will be different. They’ll be outside in the open for Heaven and Hell to see. They won’t be bothered by either. It’ll be sunny, the grass will be green, and there will be human chatter in the background, although attention will slide off of Crowley and Aziraphale like water off a duck’s back. They’ll be lying on a picnic blanket. They’ll be pressed close, the sides of their bodies warm together. They will have been through what was supposed to be the end of the world, and it's faith in their own side, the unity of their own _selves_ , that will have carried them through it.

Crowley will ramble. Aziraphale will look for shapes in the clouds, and he’ll nod along, smiling.

“Wanting. Desire. Nothing inherently wrong with it,” Crowley will be saying. “Not that it isn’t the basis of a, a lot of temptations. But it’s the basis of free will, too, right? So I figure in the end…”

“…As long as we’re on the same page, it should be alright to embrace it,” Aziraphale will add. He’ll know it isn’t exactly what Crowley was rambling about, but he’ll be a tad nervous about bringing up the topic of _them_ , and this will feel like a natural opportunity.

Crowley will pause. “Yeah. Yeah, you can put it that way.”

And he’ll tentatively raise his hand to hold Aziraphale’s.


End file.
